Day 4: That Devil

Well, this is Day 2 of my juice cleanse, and it started out really rough.  I woke up with a major headache that lasted a good part of the day.  It was one of those headaches that almost debilitates you.  I somehow managed to get through a meeting and a 5 hr. tutoring session and host bible study at our house.  Don't ask me how.  It's like when you don't remember driving some place, but you know you did because you are there.  Anyway, while I was in the middle of this incredibly painful headache, I started feeling sorry for myself and questioning why I was doing this cleanse in the first place.  I started going back and forth between all the reasons I should give up the cleanse and all the reasons I should march on.  I felt like I was experiencing spiritual warfare over my three-day juice cleanse.  And that got me thinking about a sermon I heard at CLASH camp last week.  The speaker was saying how we like to blame the devil for everything, even things that just happen.  For instance, being stuck in traffic or failing a test we didn't study for or having a child misbehave.  We just say, it's the devil when something doesn't go our way or we don't want to take responsibility for it.  I was feeling a little that way this afternoon when my monster-sized headache was obviously depleting my judgment.  I was looking for someone or something to blame my headache on, and I was looking for Josh to feel sorry for me.  When I asked him why he wasn't more concerned about me, he just shrugged and told me I had brought it on myself by choosing to do the juice cleanse.  Hello! How many times do we look for someone to feel sorry for us for the things we have brought on ourselves? Ouch.  Today, it might have been something as silly as a headache from a juice cleanse, but there have been times in my life where the consequences have been much greater and instead of owning up to them and correcting them, I have thrown my own little pity party and done my own share of blaming the devil.  Well, today I shut down my little pity party and thankfully, my headache subsided, and as of now, the juice cleanse is still underway.  One more day...

Day 3: The Juice Cleanse

I don't know what possessed me to do a juice cleanse, but here I am at the end of Day 1.  I did a 3 day cleanse two years ago, and I remember it being a good experience, so I thought I would try it again.  However, two years ago, I didn't have a walking 10 month old to chase around.  Several times today I have seriously considered caving, but now it's more of a pride thing that I finish.  I primarily decided to do the cleanse because I was feeling sluggish and needed a jump start to eating better, and if I lose a few pounds along the way, I'll take that too.  Today, while I was scrolling through Facebook, I came across a new weight loss product, which is, of course, supposed to make you lose 25 lbs. in a month or something ridiculous like that.  I even clicked on the ad to find out more about it.  I was thinking how great it would be to just take a pill and lose 5 lbs., instead of doing all the work of eating healthy and exercising.  As I contemplated signing up for a free trial, I thought about how tempting it is in life to take the easy way out.  We are always looking for ways to cut corners and get the same results in less steps.  And then I thought about how often those gimmicky things fail and how skipping steps often makes things harder further down the line.  I don't think there is never a time to take the short cut, but for me, I have to ask whether I'm always taking the easy way out and what that says about my character.  Does that mean I'm impatient? no follow through? lazy?  Just some food for thought. Sorry if this post is a tad disoriented. Lack of concentration is just one of the side effects of the juice cleanse.

Day 2: Spheres of Influence

I had 3 different meetings today, all church-related.  Being a pastor's wife, church-related things are synonymous with life, it just goes with the territory.  I have come to love that about it.  I love being connected to the church and being involved with what's going on.  I'm not one who can just sit back and say well that's Josh's job, not mine.  I may not receive a paycheck for it, but it's as much a calling on my life as it is his.  Although I am fairly involved, I envy Josh for having all the influence.  People know his name and what he does and he has a position.  People often don't recognize me unless I'm standing beside him or holding Landry.  But as I stepped back and reflected on my day, I realized the 3 meetings I had today encompassed 3 different ministries at Grace that I am involved with, and that's not even all of what I do.  There's also the college small group that I lead and the mom's ministry I attend.  All in all, I have my hand in quite a bit of what is happening at the church.  And even though I may feel like I do not have influence or at least not the influence of my husband, people still look at me, to lead and guide and listen and walk along side of.  Where I think I have little influence, my sphere of influence is actually quite large.  And that's intimidating.  I don't know what's worse- not having any influence or having the responsibility of having so much.  When I look back on my life up to now, I am so grateful for the many, many people who have had a positive influence on my life, and realize now, that many of them may not even know it.  I can only hope that the way I live out my life is a positive influence on others. I will strive to look at my sphere of influence, not as an intimidating burden, but as a privilege and an opportunity.

Day 1: Getting Where You Want to Be

I am going to attempt to blog for the next 30 days, whatever is on my mind-- long or short, simple or profound.

For the past few days, I've been thinking a lot about where I want to be in life.  I think there was a time when I used to dream and have goals, but I can hardly remember the time when the world was at my fingertips.  We just got back from CLASH camp with over 600 middle schoolers and high schoolers, who are all on fire to change the world for Christ.  While it was so exciting to see them worship and pray in unison, I couldn't help but wonder why, we as adults, don't have the same fervor and same expectation for God to use us to change the world.  The speaker made a statement that was meant to pump up the kids, but only depressed me.  He said, "I love speaking to students because I don't really know who I'm talking to.  There could be doctors, lawyers, or the President of the United States in this room.  When I speak to adults, I pretty much know who I'm getting."  It's unfortunate, that as adults, we no longer feel like we can be or do anything.  And that's what spurred me on to think about where I want to be in life, to think about those big goals and dream big dreams.  I'm good at the daily to-do lists, and I can plan with the best of them.  The problem for me is execution and staying faithful to the task when it seems impossible.  I think that's why it's so hard for me to plan and set goals for the future because all I can see are the obstacles in my way.  I think that just because I can't achieve the simplest daily goals like getting all of the laundry done in one day, that there is no way that I can come anywhere close to the big ones.  But then that's where I am reminded that I don't do it on my own, that God has set those dreams in my heart and given me a purpose, and through His power working in me, I can see those dreams become a reality.  So when it feels impossible, I can shift my focus from all of the obstacles and put it on Jesus and be faithful to keep walking.

It's My Life

"I have brains in my head, and feet in my shoes. I can steer any direction I choose." ~ Dr. Seuss

I feel that I used to embody these words of the oh-so-wise Dr. Seuss, but as time has dragged on and life's circumstances have changed, the mundane and trivial things have smothered the hope and the wonder.  That is not to say that I am holed up somewhere in a depressed state lacking purpose or direction.  But I don't dream big, not like I used to.  I remember when my goals included being a Lady Vol basketball player and the first woman president. Ok, those dreams were decades ago and somewhat unattainable, but that's not the point.  Right, at this moment, I can't even formulate a dream.  I mean I have goals and things I'd like to accomplish, but most of them are things I'd like to do next week like the laundry and finishing a small home project. Talk about dreaming big.

The other day, I thought to myself, "I love my life," and then in the next breath thought, "but do I live my life?"  You know, to the fullest, like every day could be your last kind of living.  I always thought that was so cliche and that life was supposed to be a bunch of mundane existence, sprinkled in with a little celebration and a few dreams here and there.  But then I look around me and I see people enjoying their lives, like really enjoying their lives, like everyday. And then it hit me- IT'S MY LIFE!  I can decide how to live it.  I don't have to fit some mold or just live in the day-to-day trivialness because that's what I thought life looked like.  Life can look like whatever I want it to because IT'S MY LIFE.  I don't mean to sound selfish or that I will automatically disregard my responsibilities or that sometimes life isn't made up of mundane tasks or hard and unpleasant things.

For me, it's about a mindset shift.  It's about choosing joy and hope and dreams, even in the midst of the trivial and the painful.  It's about dreaming again, even if it's unattainable.  It's about looking for the silver lining and focusing on the positive. It's about celebrating. It's about living instead of just getting by. Ultimately, it's about realizing that I have the choice because IT'S MY LIFE!

2013 Goal Update

We're over two months into 2013! What!  It's so crazy that St. Patrick's Day and Easter are just right around the corner.  So, I thought I would check in and update my goals, in an attempt to hold me accountable.


Personal
1. Read 1 novel and 1 non-fiction book a month
     * January- The Mission of Motherhood, The Litigators
     * February- I started books in February, so I'm going to count those when I finish them :)
2. Capture the moments- journal/ take and organize pictures
     * I put the first of Landry's pictures into an album
     * I did start a journal, which consists of sermon notes, prayer journaling, random journaling.  It's by
        no means an everyday thing, but it's a start.
3. Learn to do something new
     * I did buy 2 hanging plants, so that could be the start of learning to garden, right?
4. Go somewhere new
5. Go to coffee/lunch with someone new each month
     * January- met a friend at Panera
     * February- met a different friend at Panera
     * March- go somewhere other than Panera :)

Career
1. Get a part-time job or internship
2. Join a local bar (code for legal networking club)
3. Pay dues to FL Bar
4. Get some CLE credit
5. Volunteer/work with human trafficking organization
    * Am meeting with a new friend whose organization No More helps support organizations fighting
       human trafficking and other issues to see how I can get involved

Physical
1. Run a 1/2 marathon
     * Josh and I ran the Gasparilla half-marathon on February 24.  I ran a 2:06, which beat my previous
        time by almost 15 minutes! And I didn't have to walk until 10 1/2 miles.
2. Develop a healthy eating lifestyle
3. Get back to pre-baby weight
     * So close- about 2-3 lbs. away
4. Run a mile in under 8 minutes
     *  Josh challenged me to do a speed workout, where I had to run back to back fast miles and both
        were under 8 minutes! My fastest time was 7:17
5. Join an exercise class

Spiritual
1. Establish a daily quiet time/prayer time
    * It's not exactly daily yet, but I do get to it more days than not.  I'm having to be content with the
       fact that it is not at the same time everyday, but I have a 6 month old so give me a break.
2. Do a Beth Moore bible study
    * It's not Beth Moore, but I'm getting ready to lead a bible study for college-aged girls by Kelly
       Minter called, Nehemiah.
3. Read through the Old Testament
    * I've read Joel, Proverbs, and Ezra.
4. Find a mentor and be a mentor
5. Embrace and live in the promises of God
    * Continually working on this one!

Homemaking
1. Put hardwood in dining room
2. Finish painting
3. Put backsplash in kitchen
4. Improve on cooking :)
    * I AM cooking, sometimes :)
5. Organize! (garage/closets/office/laundry room)

TRUST

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3: 5-6

I included this verse in my last post, so you know what has been a reoccurring theme in my life over the past few months.  Time after time when I have wanted to get overwhelmed and just throw in the towel or compare my life to somebody else's or wish for a magic genie that would grant me my three wishes, God has whispered, TRUST.  For a Type A, semi-control freak like me, that is anything but easy, and I know that is exactly why God has asked this of me.  He is building my character. (Rom 5:4, James 1:2-4).  Ugh!  I don't want character and perseverance.  Well, I do.  I just don't want what it takes to get there!

It seems that over this last month, a bunch of little things have been thrown our way and leave us scratching our heads trying to come up with a plan, and God is saying TRUST.  Most of the obstacles we have encountered have to do with the lack of finances, which for me is just about the most aggravating thing ever.  We thought that the answer to the problems was for me to get a job, and I almost did (see last post), but it wasn't, and God was saying TRUST.  Then, when we decided that I would continue to stay at home and wait for a job that was right for us- part-time, flexible, and something I would be passionate about, we got slammed with unexpected bills, causing us to question the job situation again.  And God was saying TRUST.  Just today, Josh's car blew out a tire, and I once again began searching for jobs, and God is saying TRUST.

Part of me is relieved that it's not up to me to fix our situation and come up with the right plan and that I can just hand over all the worry and fears to a holy God that is more than capable of handling the situation.  But the other part of me is constantly thinking and analyzing and knows that if I just think hard enough, I will find the answer.

TRUST = lean not on your own understanding.

So, I'm working on that...