I'm Going to Be a WHAT?!?

I always knew this day would come, and I have, over the years, anticipated its arrival, but now that it is here, I mostly feel anything but prepared.  I guess that's how it is in life, though.  Our plans look so perfect and manageable on paper.  We have confidence that everything will fall into place and that we will be completely ready for all the big steps we take in life.  I should know from my life's experiences that this is almost never the case.  I didn't feel ready to go to college; I didn't feel ready to get married; and I don't feel ready to be a mother.  I know that hundreds of thousands of women have been in my place of feeling inadequate about the pending role of motherhood, but that realization doesn't really calm me because it hasn't been ME.  I am not on the other side yet to look back and call my fears irrational.

I have always been one that is more afraid of the unknown than ready to embrace it.  My husband loves and thrives on change; I feel like I survive it.  In order to compensate for my fear of change, I have learned to just roll with the punches, which includes not getting fully invested in things, people, or places because of the ultimate reality that they will change.  I can deal with change so much easier when I'm not emotionally attached to what's changing.

Well, you might ask, how is that working out for you?  Honestly, not well.  I know that I have missed out on many joys in life because I have been guarding myself against the inevitable hurts.  I know this is how I approach change, but knowledge doesn't always lead to transformation.  I don't want to be like this, but it is so much a part of my DNA now that I don't know the steps to take to fix it.  This is the primary reason why I am apprehensive about this next big change in my life.  Because I DO NOT want to just go with the flow and let life happen to me,  I want to embrace it and embrace it with my whole being.  I want to be physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually ready for this journey.  I want to be all in.  I know that I am being a little vulnerable in sharing this with you, but it is part of me learning to let my guard down and let people in.  I hope that by taking little steps each day, I will transform my approach to change and I will learn to embrace it, because you know, you are not the one in control of your life anyway.  My grandmother in my 16th birthday letter told me that her and my grandfather had picked out a life verse for me and it was, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."  Proverbs 3: 5-6.  How fitting that my grandmother would know the exact verse I needed to live out daily.

So, here's to embracing change, and..............MOTHERHOOD

A Temporary Escape or a Permanent Vacation?

We all need to take a little time for ourselves every once in awhile, to sit back and relax and to recover our sanity.  It's nice to escape from the busy monotony of what can become our lives.  I LOVE taking a time out and escaping into the pages of a good book or onto the screens of my favorite TV shows, but I have recently been confronted with the realization that what started as much needed breaks in the midst of my busy weeks has turned into a longer, more permanent vacation.  I realized that I spend more time escaping my life then actually living it.  Wow!  That kind of hurts to put into words.  Without recognizing it, my priorities slowly shifted from being a devoted Christian, a good wife, and a dedicated student, to making sure that I was caught up with all my TV shows, all in the name of "I need a break."

Yes, we all need a break sometimes, but at what cost?  I began to realize that I didn't deserve all the breaks I was allowing myself.  My life started to become cluttered and unorganized because I wasn't taking care of my responsibilities.  School work began to get finished at the last minute, most of the time late at night, compromising my time to spend with my husband.  Watching last night's TV shows became more important then delving into the word of God.  No wonder my life is starting to feel a little out of whack.   We all can drift into the trap of escaping our realities, and it can happen so easily.  I am hoping that by putting this confession into words, it will help to hold me accountable.  The last couple days I have been thinking of what it will be like when Baby Hawk gets here, and I know that I don't want my days to so full of the trivial to where I miss out on what's really important, the daily miracles of God.  The next time I give myself a break, I want it to be because I've earned it and not because I think I deserve it.