Day 16: Dare to Transition

Today at church, one of the women from our Beautiful women's ministry spoke in our Hall of Fame series about Rahab.  She did a phenomenal job, and I LOVE that I go to a church that values women and puts them in positions of leadership.  Anyway, I wanted to jot down some notes from her sermon in a place where I can't lose them.  

- Rahab was stuck in a place of shame, but God offered her a unique transition.

- God opens the door, will we choose to walk through it?

What gave Rahab the courage to step out of her comfort zone and betray her people by hiding the Israelite spies?

- Rahab heard the stories about the God of Israel.

- Rahab believed the stories.

- Rahab acted on what she heard and believed.

- Rahab acted on faith because she believed, not just in the stories but in the power of the God behind   them. 

- Doing the right thing is often the scariest, most vulnerable thing because it demands we act on what we believe. 

What unique transition is God offering me in my life right now?  And do I have the courage to act on what I believe?

Day 15: Rest

Disclosure: Stream of consciousness writing ahead. Very rough draft.  Keeping it real :)

I have been toying with the idea of rest over the last couple of days.  In particular, what God says about rest.  We all know that we need sleep to function, and we know that God commands us to rest on the Sabbath.  There are also verses about being still and resting in him by handing over our burdens.  I often take "rest" out of the biblical context though and add my own definitions.  We use the word "rest" in the sense that it is something that we deserve after a hard day or when we have taken on too many responsibilities (in our opinion).  I don't necessarily think that "rest" is something we deserve or a right we get when we work hard.  God does say he provides rest for the weary, but he also says he will renew our strength when we are tired.  I had this sudden revelation today that "rest" isn't supposed to be something that I schedule in my day, but rather something that God provides for me.  It isn't a right I deserve but a blessing he gives.  He does command us to be still, but it is in order for us "to know he is God" and not for us to watch tv or take a nap.  Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying those things are bad. Believe me, I do my fair share.  This has just been a new concept I have been thinking about, and these are my current thoughts on the matter and by no means, the authority on the situation.  I think too often I am wary to commit to something, or I justify not doing house chores or other responsibilities because I think I need a time of rest, instead of trusting God that he will give me the rest I need.  This week, I have been trying to rest less and let God provide the rest for me, and as a result, I have procrastinated less on tasks and have had less regret at the end of the day.  Even though I have done less sitting on the couch, I have had more than enough energy to get me through the day, maybe more.  I do believe that we need rest and even long periods or seasons of rest, but I'm trying to think less in terms that I deserve it and more that God provides it.

Day 14: Independence Day

Happy 4th, Ya'll!

"May we think of freedom not as the right to do as we please, but as the opportunity to do what is right."  - Peter Marshall

Day 13: Do Different

So, yes, I have not blogged for the last two days.  If I recall when I said I was going to be blogging for 30 days, I didn't say 30 days in a row.  So, I'm going to keep trucking on!

Josh has been off work this week, which has been great because we have been able to do a lot of fun things as a family.  Because he has been off, I have been both more productive and less productive than I usually am.  If that makes sense.  I think we have all had times when we feel that there just aren't enough hours in the day to get everything accomplished.  I have definitely had more than my fair share of days like that.  I can't even count how many days I get to 10PM and realize that I haven't done my bible study, haven't worked out, and the list goes on and on.  During one of those days this week, I thought back on the day and what I had done and realized that my day consisted mostly of things that weren't on my to-do list. They were either mindless activities like watching tv or playing Candy Crush, or they were things I could have done later.  I began to realize that the days I was the most stressed were the days that I didn't get my priority things done.  My immediate thought was that I needed to less in order to fit everything I wanted to do in, and then I thought about all the things that I do on a daily basis that take up so much time that aren't necessary.  Then it hit me, I don't need to do less, I need to do different.  I began to list in my head the things I wanted to get done, in order of priority.  Instead of leaving the most important things for the end of the day, how about doing them first?  What a novel idea!  Then on a slow day, I'll be able to watch that tv show off the DVR, and on a crazy day, at least I will have gotten the things done that I really needed to.  Before Landry was born, it seemed like I could do everything in one day, even if I procrastinated until after dinner.  It's amazing how one little baby can wreak havoc on your schedule.  Although I do love all his little interruptions, they do not make for a productive momma.  It has taken me almost 10 months to figure out this new version of productivity.  I'm getting there slowly but surely to the new normal.

Day 12: To Worship You I Live

One of my favorite current worship songs by Israel Houghton.

Day 11: Now That I'm a Mother

Now that I'm a mother, I am a lot of things that I was not before.  One of them being a cryer.  I have never been a cryer, but now my emotions are on overdrive.  But it's a good thing.  I feel things more deeply; I can connect with people on a deeper level than I could before.  This weekend is worship weekend at Grace Family Church, and tonight Josh and I had the privilege of praying with several people during the service.  One of them was a young lady who had just found out she was pregnant and her boyfriend split when she told him.  She was visibly shaken and admitted how scared she was about the whole situation.  As I was praying for her and thanking God for her unborn child and how he already had a plan for him, I got choked up and almost couldn't finish the prayer.  While I was praying for her child, I couldn't help but think of mine and tears of gratitude began to flow.

Day 10: Getting to Know Me (A Silly Quiz)

I couldn't think of anything to write today, and I love filling out surveys and questionnaires.  So, I thought it would be fun to post this little quiz, and hopefully, you'll enjoy reading it as much as I did filling it out!

1. Are you parents married or divorced?
Been married for almost 38 years :)

2. Are you a vegetarian?
Uh, no (no offense to those who are)

3.  Do you believe in Heaven?
Yes

4. Have you ever come close to dying?
Actually, when I was 14, I was at a basketball camp, and I had a freak fall on the court. I fractured my skull in 5 places and was in the hospital for days.

5.  What jewelry do you wear daily?
My wedding rings, Landry's birthstone ring, and earrings

6.  What is your favorite bible verse?
Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.

7. Have you ever had surgery?
Yes, had my tonsils taken out, thyroid taken out, ear surgery

8. Do you color your hair?
Not on a regular basis.  I have before and I used to get highlights. It's all natural now.

9. Can you roll your tongue?
Yes, and I can also make a 'w' with it

10. Favorite book of the bible
James, and I also love Romans

11.  Future child's name?
Mabry Belle

12. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be?
I would love to go to Italy

13.  Favorite movie?
Life is Beautiful

14.  If you won the lottery, what would you do first?
Pay off my student loans

15. Hamburger or hot dog?
Hamburger all the way

16. Where did you eat last?
Ice cream at Baskin Robbins

17. When is the last time you cried?
Yesterday watching Army Wives (and now I'm being really transparent)

18.  Ocean or pool?
Pool

19. Window seat or aisle?
Window seat

20. Do you twirl spaghetti or cut it?
Twirl

21. Basketball or Football?
Football

22. Cake or ice cream?
Ice cream

23.  Coffee or Tea?
Coffee, but I have been trying to replace it every now and then with tea

24.  Favorite sports team?
University of Tennessee Volunteers

25. Current song?
Mirrors, Justin Timberlake

Day 9: A Season of Humbling

"Nothing prepares us for enormous blessing and impact like a season of humbling."  - Kelly Minter, Ruth: Love, Loss, and Legacy

I am currently going through a bible study on Ruth, and it's hitting me in ways I didn't foresee.  I like doing bible studies, especially those focused on books of the bible, because I love history, and I love to learn more about the culture and characters of the bible.  Every time I do a bible study, I am surprised more by the life transformation than the knowledge I acquire.  I shouldn't be surprised because doesn't the Bible say that it is the "breath of life" and has transforming power, yet I always receive more than I expect.  Isn't God great like that?

Anyway, in today's excerpt, I came across the quote above, and it hit home.  Again, I wasn't expecting it.  In fact, if I'm being honest I was planning on having a quick study this morning, read a little word, fill in all the blanks kind-of-a-day.  God, of course, had other plans.  The reason this quote stuck out to me is because I am in the middle of a humbling season myself.  In fact, I feel that it has been more of an era than a season.  Every few months, I get excited and feel like something big is on the horizon, and God continues to humble me in different areas of my life.  Now, don't feel sorry for me.  I have a great life and have been extremely blessed, but I know God has more for me, and in my impatient, selfish nature, I want to have it right now.  I can feel God using different situations and people to shape and mold me and my character, but sometimes, I just want to say, "Ok, God. I'm all done now (or ah duh as Landry says).  You can give me that big blessing you've got waiting for me."

Kelly Minter goes on to say that the Lord uses situations to humble us because he wants the posture of our heart to be fully surrendered to him.   In my impatient, selfish nature, my heart is not fully surrendered.  God wants us to be focused fully on Him and His kingdom and not our own, always thinking about how we can be blessed or live a better life.  The blessings he promises us are not rewards for enduring a hardship or season of humbling.  He blesses us because he loves us, and his ultimate blessing is using us to further His kingdom.  That's where the season of humbling becomes necessary.  So instead of sitting around waiting for that promised blessing to come, I will choose to be thankful for this season and the lessons I'm learning and the character that is being built in me and will take joy in the fact that when the blessings come, my heart will be in the posture to give God all the thanks and not take the credit for myself.

Day 8: It Looks Pretty Clean to Me!

I despise cleaning, and not because I don't want to put in the work.  Well, I don't love that, but I don't mind working to get a desired result.  The reason I dislike cleaning is that I'm no good at it.  I put in the work and don't get my desired result, so most time I don't put in the work.  I'll wipe anything and everything down with a Clorox wipe and think, 'that looks pretty clean to me.'  Just don't look too close at anything or anywhere you're not supposed to be looking anyway, like baseboards or the microwave or the oven. Ha!  Who cleans their oven anyway?  I keep meaning to use the self-clean button on the oven.  I'll add that onto next week's to-do list.

Even though I hate to clean, I feel even worse when I don't do it because I know I'm supposed to.  The task of cleaning hangs over my head as a constant reminder, and each day, I ignore it, I feel worse about myself as a human being.  Now, why do we as women do that?  I didn't clean for a week, and now somehow I'm unworthy of love.  Don't listen to that voice.  That's just THAT DEVIL (for real) attacking your thought life.  But anyway, I digress.  As I was gearing up myself for a morning of cleaning, I thought about the many times I have put off other things in my life that I should be doing.  I've done the quick fix thing and hoped nobody noticed.  But if you looked real close and in the places I tried to let nobody see, you would have seen the hurt and the insecurities and the sin.  But because I looked pretty clean, not many people did notice, and because my flaws weren't outwardly visible, I didn't work on them.  When I finally did get to the point of facing those things, it wasn't just a weekly touch-up they needed, it was a deep clean.

I clean my house, even though I would rather be reliving the 3 years of law school, because I don't want it to get to the point where it is an unhealthy and unsafe place to live.  The same principle holds true in other areas of my life.  Although it is sometimes painful to go in and clean those parts of your life nobody sees, it is worth it, and isn't it a good feeling when you know you have done the work and not just tried to make it look like you have?   I have decided that I'd like to really be clean, instead of just look pretty clean!

Day 7: Rest

And on the seventh day, God rested and so will I.  But I will share with you a wonderful blog post written by a dear friend of mine.  Enjoy!

Day 6: 10 Years

It's crazy that Josh and I started dating 10 years ago today!  We met at a christian sports camp at Campbellsville University where he was the camp pastor and I was a chaperone.  I was 19 and he was 21.  He said he knew the day he met me that he was going to marry me and that it took him 2 years to convince me.  After meeting and getting to know each other that week of camp, we exchanged numbers and talked on the phone almost everyday that summer.  He had plans to go to Southwestern seminary after camp but changed his course to move to Birmingham, AL, where I was attending college and got a part-time job as a middle school minister.  We dated until I finished college and got married 3 weeks after I graduated. We began our marriage in Savannah, GA, then moved to Lexington, KY, and have finally settled in Tampa, FL.  In the 10 years we've been together, we've known better or worse, richer or poorer, and in sickness and health.  He is my other half, and I can't imagine spending life with anybody else.

Day 5: Momma's Boy

My mother posted this on Facebook the other day for me, and I love it.  I'll have to say that these last few days though I have been a little sad because as of now, my little boy is not a momma's boy.  He loves his daddy and cries when he leaves and flaps his arms when he sees him and reaches for him when he's in my arms.  Of course, I want him to love his daddy and do all those things for him. I just want him to do that for me too.  But before I could throw my little pity party and be jealous of my husband, I was reminded tonight that yes, I am Landry's momma and I did give him his first kiss and he is my whole world.  While I was rocking him and giving him his bedtime bottle, he grabbed my hand and held on to it tightly.  In that moment, I realized how silly it was for me to be upset.  He's 10 months old, and so what that he favors his daddy right now, he knows who his momma is and loves me too.

Day 4: That Devil

Well, this is Day 2 of my juice cleanse, and it started out really rough.  I woke up with a major headache that lasted a good part of the day.  It was one of those headaches that almost debilitates you.  I somehow managed to get through a meeting and a 5 hr. tutoring session and host bible study at our house.  Don't ask me how.  It's like when you don't remember driving some place, but you know you did because you are there.  Anyway, while I was in the middle of this incredibly painful headache, I started feeling sorry for myself and questioning why I was doing this cleanse in the first place.  I started going back and forth between all the reasons I should give up the cleanse and all the reasons I should march on.  I felt like I was experiencing spiritual warfare over my three-day juice cleanse.  And that got me thinking about a sermon I heard at CLASH camp last week.  The speaker was saying how we like to blame the devil for everything, even things that just happen.  For instance, being stuck in traffic or failing a test we didn't study for or having a child misbehave.  We just say, it's the devil when something doesn't go our way or we don't want to take responsibility for it.  I was feeling a little that way this afternoon when my monster-sized headache was obviously depleting my judgment.  I was looking for someone or something to blame my headache on, and I was looking for Josh to feel sorry for me.  When I asked him why he wasn't more concerned about me, he just shrugged and told me I had brought it on myself by choosing to do the juice cleanse.  Hello! How many times do we look for someone to feel sorry for us for the things we have brought on ourselves? Ouch.  Today, it might have been something as silly as a headache from a juice cleanse, but there have been times in my life where the consequences have been much greater and instead of owning up to them and correcting them, I have thrown my own little pity party and done my own share of blaming the devil.  Well, today I shut down my little pity party and thankfully, my headache subsided, and as of now, the juice cleanse is still underway.  One more day...

Day 3: The Juice Cleanse

I don't know what possessed me to do a juice cleanse, but here I am at the end of Day 1.  I did a 3 day cleanse two years ago, and I remember it being a good experience, so I thought I would try it again.  However, two years ago, I didn't have a walking 10 month old to chase around.  Several times today I have seriously considered caving, but now it's more of a pride thing that I finish.  I primarily decided to do the cleanse because I was feeling sluggish and needed a jump start to eating better, and if I lose a few pounds along the way, I'll take that too.  Today, while I was scrolling through Facebook, I came across a new weight loss product, which is, of course, supposed to make you lose 25 lbs. in a month or something ridiculous like that.  I even clicked on the ad to find out more about it.  I was thinking how great it would be to just take a pill and lose 5 lbs., instead of doing all the work of eating healthy and exercising.  As I contemplated signing up for a free trial, I thought about how tempting it is in life to take the easy way out.  We are always looking for ways to cut corners and get the same results in less steps.  And then I thought about how often those gimmicky things fail and how skipping steps often makes things harder further down the line.  I don't think there is never a time to take the short cut, but for me, I have to ask whether I'm always taking the easy way out and what that says about my character.  Does that mean I'm impatient? no follow through? lazy?  Just some food for thought. Sorry if this post is a tad disoriented. Lack of concentration is just one of the side effects of the juice cleanse.

Day 2: Spheres of Influence

I had 3 different meetings today, all church-related.  Being a pastor's wife, church-related things are synonymous with life, it just goes with the territory.  I have come to love that about it.  I love being connected to the church and being involved with what's going on.  I'm not one who can just sit back and say well that's Josh's job, not mine.  I may not receive a paycheck for it, but it's as much a calling on my life as it is his.  Although I am fairly involved, I envy Josh for having all the influence.  People know his name and what he does and he has a position.  People often don't recognize me unless I'm standing beside him or holding Landry.  But as I stepped back and reflected on my day, I realized the 3 meetings I had today encompassed 3 different ministries at Grace that I am involved with, and that's not even all of what I do.  There's also the college small group that I lead and the mom's ministry I attend.  All in all, I have my hand in quite a bit of what is happening at the church.  And even though I may feel like I do not have influence or at least not the influence of my husband, people still look at me, to lead and guide and listen and walk along side of.  Where I think I have little influence, my sphere of influence is actually quite large.  And that's intimidating.  I don't know what's worse- not having any influence or having the responsibility of having so much.  When I look back on my life up to now, I am so grateful for the many, many people who have had a positive influence on my life, and realize now, that many of them may not even know it.  I can only hope that the way I live out my life is a positive influence on others. I will strive to look at my sphere of influence, not as an intimidating burden, but as a privilege and an opportunity.

Day 1: Getting Where You Want to Be

I am going to attempt to blog for the next 30 days, whatever is on my mind-- long or short, simple or profound.

For the past few days, I've been thinking a lot about where I want to be in life.  I think there was a time when I used to dream and have goals, but I can hardly remember the time when the world was at my fingertips.  We just got back from CLASH camp with over 600 middle schoolers and high schoolers, who are all on fire to change the world for Christ.  While it was so exciting to see them worship and pray in unison, I couldn't help but wonder why, we as adults, don't have the same fervor and same expectation for God to use us to change the world.  The speaker made a statement that was meant to pump up the kids, but only depressed me.  He said, "I love speaking to students because I don't really know who I'm talking to.  There could be doctors, lawyers, or the President of the United States in this room.  When I speak to adults, I pretty much know who I'm getting."  It's unfortunate, that as adults, we no longer feel like we can be or do anything.  And that's what spurred me on to think about where I want to be in life, to think about those big goals and dream big dreams.  I'm good at the daily to-do lists, and I can plan with the best of them.  The problem for me is execution and staying faithful to the task when it seems impossible.  I think that's why it's so hard for me to plan and set goals for the future because all I can see are the obstacles in my way.  I think that just because I can't achieve the simplest daily goals like getting all of the laundry done in one day, that there is no way that I can come anywhere close to the big ones.  But then that's where I am reminded that I don't do it on my own, that God has set those dreams in my heart and given me a purpose, and through His power working in me, I can see those dreams become a reality.  So when it feels impossible, I can shift my focus from all of the obstacles and put it on Jesus and be faithful to keep walking.

It's My Life

"I have brains in my head, and feet in my shoes. I can steer any direction I choose." ~ Dr. Seuss

I feel that I used to embody these words of the oh-so-wise Dr. Seuss, but as time has dragged on and life's circumstances have changed, the mundane and trivial things have smothered the hope and the wonder.  That is not to say that I am holed up somewhere in a depressed state lacking purpose or direction.  But I don't dream big, not like I used to.  I remember when my goals included being a Lady Vol basketball player and the first woman president. Ok, those dreams were decades ago and somewhat unattainable, but that's not the point.  Right, at this moment, I can't even formulate a dream.  I mean I have goals and things I'd like to accomplish, but most of them are things I'd like to do next week like the laundry and finishing a small home project. Talk about dreaming big.

The other day, I thought to myself, "I love my life," and then in the next breath thought, "but do I live my life?"  You know, to the fullest, like every day could be your last kind of living.  I always thought that was so cliche and that life was supposed to be a bunch of mundane existence, sprinkled in with a little celebration and a few dreams here and there.  But then I look around me and I see people enjoying their lives, like really enjoying their lives, like everyday. And then it hit me- IT'S MY LIFE!  I can decide how to live it.  I don't have to fit some mold or just live in the day-to-day trivialness because that's what I thought life looked like.  Life can look like whatever I want it to because IT'S MY LIFE.  I don't mean to sound selfish or that I will automatically disregard my responsibilities or that sometimes life isn't made up of mundane tasks or hard and unpleasant things.

For me, it's about a mindset shift.  It's about choosing joy and hope and dreams, even in the midst of the trivial and the painful.  It's about dreaming again, even if it's unattainable.  It's about looking for the silver lining and focusing on the positive. It's about celebrating. It's about living instead of just getting by. Ultimately, it's about realizing that I have the choice because IT'S MY LIFE!

2013 Goal Update

We're over two months into 2013! What!  It's so crazy that St. Patrick's Day and Easter are just right around the corner.  So, I thought I would check in and update my goals, in an attempt to hold me accountable.


Personal
1. Read 1 novel and 1 non-fiction book a month
     * January- The Mission of Motherhood, The Litigators
     * February- I started books in February, so I'm going to count those when I finish them :)
2. Capture the moments- journal/ take and organize pictures
     * I put the first of Landry's pictures into an album
     * I did start a journal, which consists of sermon notes, prayer journaling, random journaling.  It's by
        no means an everyday thing, but it's a start.
3. Learn to do something new
     * I did buy 2 hanging plants, so that could be the start of learning to garden, right?
4. Go somewhere new
5. Go to coffee/lunch with someone new each month
     * January- met a friend at Panera
     * February- met a different friend at Panera
     * March- go somewhere other than Panera :)

Career
1. Get a part-time job or internship
2. Join a local bar (code for legal networking club)
3. Pay dues to FL Bar
4. Get some CLE credit
5. Volunteer/work with human trafficking organization
    * Am meeting with a new friend whose organization No More helps support organizations fighting
       human trafficking and other issues to see how I can get involved

Physical
1. Run a 1/2 marathon
     * Josh and I ran the Gasparilla half-marathon on February 24.  I ran a 2:06, which beat my previous
        time by almost 15 minutes! And I didn't have to walk until 10 1/2 miles.
2. Develop a healthy eating lifestyle
3. Get back to pre-baby weight
     * So close- about 2-3 lbs. away
4. Run a mile in under 8 minutes
     *  Josh challenged me to do a speed workout, where I had to run back to back fast miles and both
        were under 8 minutes! My fastest time was 7:17
5. Join an exercise class

Spiritual
1. Establish a daily quiet time/prayer time
    * It's not exactly daily yet, but I do get to it more days than not.  I'm having to be content with the
       fact that it is not at the same time everyday, but I have a 6 month old so give me a break.
2. Do a Beth Moore bible study
    * It's not Beth Moore, but I'm getting ready to lead a bible study for college-aged girls by Kelly
       Minter called, Nehemiah.
3. Read through the Old Testament
    * I've read Joel, Proverbs, and Ezra.
4. Find a mentor and be a mentor
5. Embrace and live in the promises of God
    * Continually working on this one!

Homemaking
1. Put hardwood in dining room
2. Finish painting
3. Put backsplash in kitchen
4. Improve on cooking :)
    * I AM cooking, sometimes :)
5. Organize! (garage/closets/office/laundry room)

TRUST

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3: 5-6

I included this verse in my last post, so you know what has been a reoccurring theme in my life over the past few months.  Time after time when I have wanted to get overwhelmed and just throw in the towel or compare my life to somebody else's or wish for a magic genie that would grant me my three wishes, God has whispered, TRUST.  For a Type A, semi-control freak like me, that is anything but easy, and I know that is exactly why God has asked this of me.  He is building my character. (Rom 5:4, James 1:2-4).  Ugh!  I don't want character and perseverance.  Well, I do.  I just don't want what it takes to get there!

It seems that over this last month, a bunch of little things have been thrown our way and leave us scratching our heads trying to come up with a plan, and God is saying TRUST.  Most of the obstacles we have encountered have to do with the lack of finances, which for me is just about the most aggravating thing ever.  We thought that the answer to the problems was for me to get a job, and I almost did (see last post), but it wasn't, and God was saying TRUST.  Then, when we decided that I would continue to stay at home and wait for a job that was right for us- part-time, flexible, and something I would be passionate about, we got slammed with unexpected bills, causing us to question the job situation again.  And God was saying TRUST.  Just today, Josh's car blew out a tire, and I once again began searching for jobs, and God is saying TRUST.

Part of me is relieved that it's not up to me to fix our situation and come up with the right plan and that I can just hand over all the worry and fears to a holy God that is more than capable of handling the situation.  But the other part of me is constantly thinking and analyzing and knows that if I just think hard enough, I will find the answer.

TRUST = lean not on your own understanding.

So, I'm working on that...

Freedom in Decision

I am currently listening to an online conference for pastors' wives and women in ministry and a lot of what they have been talking about prompted this blog.  I have found when I have a lot of anxious thoughts swimming around in my head, it is so helpful for me to write it down.  Putting my thoughts to words takes the fear out of them.  It helps me to think rationally, and so that's what I'm hoping to do here now.

The topic of the conference is FREEDOM and the sessions have included living in freedom, freedom in expectations, freedom in parenting, etc.  I titled this post, "Freedom in Decision" not because I have figured out the key to having freedom in decision-making but because I need it desperately right now. I am, by far, the most indecisive person I know.  I hate making decisions, I hate having choices.  Well, let me clarify, I usually know what I do NOT want, but I would be hard-pressed to tell you what I do want.  I am the person that would like to have a detailed blueprint for my life or a guide always pointing the way.

Right now, I am at a crossroads in my life, and it feels very overwhelming and like I'm stuck staring at the sign, trying to figure out which way to go.  The stress of making this decision has seeped into every other area of my life, and my whole day revolves around repeatedly making a pros and cons list in my head or trying to think of every little detail, not wanting to leave any stone unturned.  I want to have all the facts and have thought of all the logistics before making the decision.  The decision lying in front of me is whether or not I am going to go to work full-time.  The question is not whether I want to work or not, I do.  And I still do after having had Landry 5 months ago, but I want to work part-time.  I feel that working part-time would give me the perfect balance in my life, but of course, that is not the option I have.

I'm finding it kind of frustrating that this perfect job opportunity would fall into my lap at the same time I finished reading, "The Mission of Motherhood," which is an excellent book on motherhood in which a mother outlines how she has created a Christ-centered home for her children.  And not that I can't work and be the kind of mother I aspire to be, but it seems that there will have to be sacrifices somewhere down the line, and I want it all.  That brings me to today's online conference.  As I was listening to these women talk about finding freedom in your life, I realized that I would never have freedom in my decisions until I submitted them to God.  While I absolutely have done that with this life-altering decision, I have also taken the decision-making back into my hands time after time.

Some of the words of one of the speakers really hit home.  Although she was talking about freedom in parenting, it also applies here.  She was talking about how one of the parenting mistakes we might make is in parenting out of fear by always saying everything we don't want our kids to be or think. She went on to say that we should instead parent out of vision and think of what we do want for our kids.  I translated that lesson to this choice and thought that I have definitely been approaching this decision out of fear of what I don't want my life and my family's life to be like, and I have been allowing those fears to shape my decision-making.  Instead I should be focused on God's vision for my life and what lines up with that.

The other take away from today was a verse that I have heard over a million times and have had memorized since I was a child, but today as I mulled over the verse, I allowed the words to really penetrate my heart. "TRUST in God with all your heart and LEAN NOT on your own understanding and in all your ways ACKNOWLEDGE him and he will make your paths straight."  Out beside the verse, I wrote the 3 things God requires us to do in order for him to direct our way: 1) Trust, 2) Lean not on myself, and 3) Acknowledge him in everything I do.  It seems so simple when I outline it like that.  I have been working so hard on complicating this decision that I haven't allowed God to do his part.  The ultimate key to having freedom in our decisions in placing our WHOLE trust in God.

2013 Goals

I haven't made any written goal lists in quite a few years.  I like the idea of setting goals, though, because it moves us forward.  I say "goals" instead of "resolutions" because to me, resoultions are often unattainable and unrealistic and goals indicate what you are striving toward and not necessarily what you will accomplish (so the pressure is off).  So here is my list of 2013 goals so I can remember them and so that you can hold me accountable!

Personal
1. Read 1 novel and 1 non-fiction book a month
2. Capture the moments- journal/ take and organize pictures
3.  Learn to do something new
4. Go somewhere new
5. Go to coffee/lunch with someone new each month

Career
1. Get a part-time job or internship
2. Join a local bar (code for legal networking club)
3. Pay dues to FL Bar
4. Get some CLE credit
5. Volunteer/work with human trafficking organization

Physical
1. Run a 1/2 marathon
2. Develop a healthy eating lifestyled
3. Get back to pre-baby weight
4. Run a mile in under 8 minutes
5. Join an exercise class

Spiritual
1. Establish a daily quiet time/prayer time
2. Do a Beth Moore bible study
3. Read through the Old Testament
4. Find a mentor and be a mentor
5. Embrace and live in the promises of God

Homemaking
1. Put hardwood in dining room
2. Finish painting
3. Put backsplash in kitchen
4. Improve on cooking :)
5. Organize! (garage/closets/office/laundry room)