I am currently listening to an online conference for pastors' wives and women in ministry and a lot of what they have been talking about prompted this blog. I have found when I have a lot of anxious thoughts swimming around in my head, it is so helpful for me to write it down. Putting my thoughts to words takes the fear out of them. It helps me to think rationally, and so that's what I'm hoping to do here now.
The topic of the conference is FREEDOM and the sessions have included living in freedom, freedom in expectations, freedom in parenting, etc. I titled this post, "Freedom in Decision" not because I have figured out the key to having freedom in decision-making but because I need it desperately right now. I am, by far, the most indecisive person I know. I hate making decisions, I hate having choices. Well, let me clarify, I usually know what I do NOT want, but I would be hard-pressed to tell you what I do want. I am the person that would like to have a detailed blueprint for my life or a guide always pointing the way.
Right now, I am at a crossroads in my life, and it feels very overwhelming and like I'm stuck staring at the sign, trying to figure out which way to go. The stress of making this decision has seeped into every other area of my life, and my whole day revolves around repeatedly making a pros and cons list in my head or trying to think of every little detail, not wanting to leave any stone unturned. I want to have all the facts and have thought of all the logistics before making the decision. The decision lying in front of me is whether or not I am going to go to work full-time. The question is not whether I want to work or not, I do. And I still do after having had Landry 5 months ago, but I want to work part-time. I feel that working part-time would give me the perfect balance in my life, but of course, that is not the option I have.
I'm finding it kind of frustrating that this perfect job opportunity would fall into my lap at the same time I finished reading, "The Mission of Motherhood," which is an excellent book on motherhood in which a mother outlines how she has created a Christ-centered home for her children. And not that I can't work and be the kind of mother I aspire to be, but it seems that there will have to be sacrifices somewhere down the line, and I want it all. That brings me to today's online conference. As I was listening to these women talk about finding freedom in your life, I realized that I would never have freedom in my decisions until I submitted them to God. While I absolutely have done that with this life-altering decision, I have also taken the decision-making back into my hands time after time.
Some of the words of one of the speakers really hit home. Although she was talking about freedom in parenting, it also applies here. She was talking about how one of the parenting mistakes we might make is in parenting out of fear by always saying everything we don't want our kids to be or think. She went on to say that we should instead parent out of vision and think of what we do want for our kids. I translated that lesson to this choice and thought that I have definitely been approaching this decision out of fear of what I don't want my life and my family's life to be like, and I have been allowing those fears to shape my decision-making. Instead I should be focused on God's vision for my life and what lines up with that.
The other take away from today was a verse that I have heard over a million times and have had memorized since I was a child, but today as I mulled over the verse, I allowed the words to really penetrate my heart. "TRUST in God with all your heart and LEAN NOT on your own understanding and in all your ways ACKNOWLEDGE him and he will make your paths straight." Out beside the verse, I wrote the 3 things God requires us to do in order for him to direct our way: 1) Trust, 2) Lean not on myself, and 3) Acknowledge him in everything I do. It seems so simple when I outline it like that. I have been working so hard on complicating this decision that I haven't allowed God to do his part. The ultimate key to having freedom in our decisions in placing our WHOLE trust in God.
