Living in the In Between

It's been almost a month since I started writing this blog in my head.  In fact, I even titled it and saved it in my posts, thinking that would motivate me to write it.  No such luck.  A combination of procrastination and the demands of having a newborn have kept me from finishing it, but tonight as Landry is asleep in his swing and Josh is at church, I have no excuse.

Several times since Landry was born (8/15/12), I have caught myself thinking how hard transitional times are in life, especially for us Type A personalities.  I tend to thrive best in a routine.  I don't always love structure, but I need it.  It's not even that I need the same routine, I just need a routine.  I have learned to do well with change.  You develop that skill when you have lived in 5 different states in the last 6 years.  So after graduating law school, taking the dreaded bar exam, and having a baby, all in the span of 3 months, it's not the changes that have thrown me for a loop, it's the time of transition.

When I was in high school and college, I wrote a plethora of essays and research papers, and I really did enjoy writing.  However, one thing I always struggled with were those transition sentences that are required to take your reader from one paragraph to the other and from one thought to the next.  I am also guilty when having a conversation of jumping from topic to topic and confusing my listener because I have not let them in on the private conversation I am having with myself in my head. I just want to jump right to the next thing and not neatly tie up the last topic or introduce a new one.

Just as in literature and conversation where transitions are integral to tell a story, times of transition are necessary in life, even though they can be incredibly hard.  Often in my writing, I would put the same generic transition sentences in every paragraph, hoping that my teacher would just pass right over them and not give them much attention.  I have found myself living life in the same way.  I try to ignore those  transitional phases or sit idly by, waiting for life to return to normalcy.  Right now, I think of all the things that I seem to be stuck in between and my tendency is to wish that life would fast forward to the other side.  I am in between school and finding a job; in between being pregnant and fitting into those pre-pregnancy jeans; in between not exercising due to pregnancy and getting back into shape; and the list goes on and on.

As I began to complain about all the things I couldn't wait to happen in my life, I began to realize that we are always living in the in between.  We are always in between something in our lives, and if that is the case, I will always be walking numbly through my life, wishing it away to get to the next stage.  The in between is necessary in life because it allows us to appreciate the chapter that we are closing and prepare for the one that is ahead.  We must learn to embrace those times of transition in our lives and learn how to live through them, not merely surviving but thriving.

Thank You

Whew, has it been a long time since I posted on this blog.  I refuse to feel guilty about that, however, seeing as how in the last almost 4 months since I have posted, I have graduated law school, spent the summer studying and taking the bar exam, and have been preparing to have a baby (which is due within the next week, by the way).  Even though I have a lot currently on my mind that I could write about, including the impending birth of my first child, the freedom of being out of school, or the ridiculously controversial Chick-Fil-A saga, there is only one thing I would like to say today and that is THANK YOU.

The timing of being 9 months pregnant and having just finished my formal 22 years of schooling has left me feeling very grateful these last few months.  I would be naive to think that I have gotten to this place on my own, and I would be ungrateful if I did not thank those that have helped me along the way. So...

THANK YOU to my parents who have always supported me (despite my resistance) whether it be sitting in the stands at a soccer game to watching me misspell t-a-m-a-l-e in the county spelling bee.  They instilled in me the idea that I could be anything that I wanted to be as long as I was willing to work for it.  I am who I am today because of their love and support.

THANK YOU to my sisters who were forced to support me in everything I do, and now continue to do it willingly.  They have inspired me as I have watched what they have achieved and the women they have become.  Although I am the oldest, I have honestly always looked up to them.

THANK YOU to teachers and mentors that I have had along the way, from my kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Hansen, to my college mentor and friend, Dr. Floyd.  They have taught me the value of education and working hard and have inspired me to be a life-long learner.

THANK YOU to my friends who have brought fun into my life, amidst the hours and hours of studying.  When I think of my time in school, I not only think about the grades and the tests, but of the memories made with great friends.  I think of high school sleepovers at Laura's house and Starbucks breaks with Lauren and life-changing conversations with Natalie.  My journey would not have been as fun without you.

THANK YOU to everybody who has lifted up a prayer for me in my 28 years.  They are far too numerous to count, but I smile every time I thank of one of you and know that you have truly cared for me.  I have felt your prayers many times.  It is what has kept me going when I did not think I could.

And finally...THANK YOU to my husband of 6 years and the father of my soon-to-be born child.  I didn't really know what I needed in a life partner until God gave me Josh.  He has been nothing but encouraging of my seemingly endless schooling (I have been in school 5 out of 6 years of marriage), even though it has taken away from other things.  He has mostly been willing to pick up the slack of cleaning, cooking, and the other things that get pushed to the side when studying takes precedent.  He has reminded me over and over of why I entered this law school endeavor and has put big dreams in my heart for how God wants to use my giftings.  He has been truly unselfish as I have pursued my goals and for that I could not love him more.  Now, I'm looking forward to cooking for him and maybe even vacuuming every now and then :)

THANK YOU

An Easter Revelation

Two years ago, I had the privilege of studying Beth Moore's, Jesus, The One and Only with a bible study group at my church.  In the years since then, I have returned to the study to prepare my heart for Easter.  Today on the day before we celebrate the Resurrection, I finished the study and just wanted to share one word that spoke to my heart.  I cannot take any credit for what I am about to share because it came from the Holy Spirit through the mouth of Beth Moore, but it penetrated my heart in such a way as to leave a lasting impression.

In one of her last comments of the study, she told of how she had always wanted her life to leave a mark, an example for others to follow, that is until she read the words of Luke 9: 23 (If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.) If we live the words of Luke 9: 23 and daily take up our cross, our footprints will be covered by the mark of the cross we drag behind us.  We are not meant to make a name for ourselves on this earth, but we are to live in Blessed Anonymity and have our mark (name) covered by His cross.  What an awesome illustration of a life lived emphatically for Christ- our name has been covered by His.

A Risky Investment?

I'd like to think that I am always trying to improve some area of my life, growing in some positive way.  This year I have been focusing on improving my investments, not in my stock portfolio but in my relationships.  Due to a series of events and moves and a variety of other situations, I have become somewhat closed-off when it comes to making new relationships.  Just like an investment in stocks can be risky, especially in this market, I view an investment in new relationships as a huge risk, and because I am not known to be a risk-taker, I often miss out on promising new relationships and keep things at surface level.  I know that I have written about this before, but it is because it is a huge area in my life where I know I need improvement, and for once, I am trying to actually do something about it.

As I look back over my life, I have never really been disappointed in investing in a relationship.  In fact, I have many fond memories and am glad that I took the risk instead of just staying on the surface.  So, why do I continue to hesitate to make the investment?  I think it is because I have often in recent years been the new kid, and I have assumed that people already have their friends and they are not looking to make any more.  So, I don't initiate conversations or excuses to get together.  I feel that friendships should just happen; people should just click and suddenly be best friends.  I know that isn't how it happens, but don't you wish it was?  Friendships take work, just like with any relationship, and they often take the most work in the beginning.

 It's not that I have always had problems making friends.  I always had close friends growing up, and it didn't seem hard to make new ones.  But I grew up in a small town and lived there until I went to college.  I had friends by proximity by the fact that I saw them everyday at school.  When you are young, friendships do just happen, and if you're lucky and are willing to put in the work, they can last for a lifetime.  Nobody prepares you for the fact that making adult friendships is hard work and just letting things happen doesn't work anymore.  I recently realized that now that we are settled in a place we plan to be for a long time, I can no longer use the excuse that I won't be here very long.  I also realized I don't want to live the rest of my life without friends (that live within 10 minutes of me).  Because of these realizations, I have determined to do the work, to do what it takes to form relationships, and hopefully when I look back years from now, my work will have been well worth it.

I'm Going to Be a WHAT?!?

I always knew this day would come, and I have, over the years, anticipated its arrival, but now that it is here, I mostly feel anything but prepared.  I guess that's how it is in life, though.  Our plans look so perfect and manageable on paper.  We have confidence that everything will fall into place and that we will be completely ready for all the big steps we take in life.  I should know from my life's experiences that this is almost never the case.  I didn't feel ready to go to college; I didn't feel ready to get married; and I don't feel ready to be a mother.  I know that hundreds of thousands of women have been in my place of feeling inadequate about the pending role of motherhood, but that realization doesn't really calm me because it hasn't been ME.  I am not on the other side yet to look back and call my fears irrational.

I have always been one that is more afraid of the unknown than ready to embrace it.  My husband loves and thrives on change; I feel like I survive it.  In order to compensate for my fear of change, I have learned to just roll with the punches, which includes not getting fully invested in things, people, or places because of the ultimate reality that they will change.  I can deal with change so much easier when I'm not emotionally attached to what's changing.

Well, you might ask, how is that working out for you?  Honestly, not well.  I know that I have missed out on many joys in life because I have been guarding myself against the inevitable hurts.  I know this is how I approach change, but knowledge doesn't always lead to transformation.  I don't want to be like this, but it is so much a part of my DNA now that I don't know the steps to take to fix it.  This is the primary reason why I am apprehensive about this next big change in my life.  Because I DO NOT want to just go with the flow and let life happen to me,  I want to embrace it and embrace it with my whole being.  I want to be physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually ready for this journey.  I want to be all in.  I know that I am being a little vulnerable in sharing this with you, but it is part of me learning to let my guard down and let people in.  I hope that by taking little steps each day, I will transform my approach to change and I will learn to embrace it, because you know, you are not the one in control of your life anyway.  My grandmother in my 16th birthday letter told me that her and my grandfather had picked out a life verse for me and it was, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."  Proverbs 3: 5-6.  How fitting that my grandmother would know the exact verse I needed to live out daily.

So, here's to embracing change, and..............MOTHERHOOD

A Temporary Escape or a Permanent Vacation?

We all need to take a little time for ourselves every once in awhile, to sit back and relax and to recover our sanity.  It's nice to escape from the busy monotony of what can become our lives.  I LOVE taking a time out and escaping into the pages of a good book or onto the screens of my favorite TV shows, but I have recently been confronted with the realization that what started as much needed breaks in the midst of my busy weeks has turned into a longer, more permanent vacation.  I realized that I spend more time escaping my life then actually living it.  Wow!  That kind of hurts to put into words.  Without recognizing it, my priorities slowly shifted from being a devoted Christian, a good wife, and a dedicated student, to making sure that I was caught up with all my TV shows, all in the name of "I need a break."

Yes, we all need a break sometimes, but at what cost?  I began to realize that I didn't deserve all the breaks I was allowing myself.  My life started to become cluttered and unorganized because I wasn't taking care of my responsibilities.  School work began to get finished at the last minute, most of the time late at night, compromising my time to spend with my husband.  Watching last night's TV shows became more important then delving into the word of God.  No wonder my life is starting to feel a little out of whack.   We all can drift into the trap of escaping our realities, and it can happen so easily.  I am hoping that by putting this confession into words, it will help to hold me accountable.  The last couple days I have been thinking of what it will be like when Baby Hawk gets here, and I know that I don't want my days to so full of the trivial to where I miss out on what's really important, the daily miracles of God.  The next time I give myself a break, I want it to be because I've earned it and not because I think I deserve it.

Top 11 of 2011

2011 was a big year for the Hawks, full of excitement and lots of newness.  2011 was such a great year, I can't wait to see what 2012 brings!  Here is my top 11 list from last year (in no particular order):

1.  Moving to sunny Tampa, FL
2.  Josh joining the team at Grace Family Church as the High School student pastor

3.  Transferring to Stetson College of Law (and still on track to graduate May 2012!)

4.  My sister, Lauren, graduating from Samford University and getting married to Brett on Sept. 3

5.  My sister, Rachel, completing her master's degree from the University of South Carolina and being hired there as an assistant athletic trainer.

6.  Buying our 2nd home in October

7.  Hosting Christmas for the 1st year (and yes I cooked!)
8. Trips to Busch Gardens, Tampa Bay Lightning games, Rays games, and a Buccaneers game.

9.  Visits from family and friends in January, March, May, June, and December!

10.  Trips to Savannah, KY, Iowa, TN, GA, and Fort Lauderdale (for our 5th anniversary).

11.  Experiencing God's love, mercy, and blessings in wonderful new ways in 2011!