A Risky Investment?

I'd like to think that I am always trying to improve some area of my life, growing in some positive way.  This year I have been focusing on improving my investments, not in my stock portfolio but in my relationships.  Due to a series of events and moves and a variety of other situations, I have become somewhat closed-off when it comes to making new relationships.  Just like an investment in stocks can be risky, especially in this market, I view an investment in new relationships as a huge risk, and because I am not known to be a risk-taker, I often miss out on promising new relationships and keep things at surface level.  I know that I have written about this before, but it is because it is a huge area in my life where I know I need improvement, and for once, I am trying to actually do something about it.

As I look back over my life, I have never really been disappointed in investing in a relationship.  In fact, I have many fond memories and am glad that I took the risk instead of just staying on the surface.  So, why do I continue to hesitate to make the investment?  I think it is because I have often in recent years been the new kid, and I have assumed that people already have their friends and they are not looking to make any more.  So, I don't initiate conversations or excuses to get together.  I feel that friendships should just happen; people should just click and suddenly be best friends.  I know that isn't how it happens, but don't you wish it was?  Friendships take work, just like with any relationship, and they often take the most work in the beginning.

 It's not that I have always had problems making friends.  I always had close friends growing up, and it didn't seem hard to make new ones.  But I grew up in a small town and lived there until I went to college.  I had friends by proximity by the fact that I saw them everyday at school.  When you are young, friendships do just happen, and if you're lucky and are willing to put in the work, they can last for a lifetime.  Nobody prepares you for the fact that making adult friendships is hard work and just letting things happen doesn't work anymore.  I recently realized that now that we are settled in a place we plan to be for a long time, I can no longer use the excuse that I won't be here very long.  I also realized I don't want to live the rest of my life without friends (that live within 10 minutes of me).  Because of these realizations, I have determined to do the work, to do what it takes to form relationships, and hopefully when I look back years from now, my work will have been well worth it.

I'm Going to Be a WHAT?!?

I always knew this day would come, and I have, over the years, anticipated its arrival, but now that it is here, I mostly feel anything but prepared.  I guess that's how it is in life, though.  Our plans look so perfect and manageable on paper.  We have confidence that everything will fall into place and that we will be completely ready for all the big steps we take in life.  I should know from my life's experiences that this is almost never the case.  I didn't feel ready to go to college; I didn't feel ready to get married; and I don't feel ready to be a mother.  I know that hundreds of thousands of women have been in my place of feeling inadequate about the pending role of motherhood, but that realization doesn't really calm me because it hasn't been ME.  I am not on the other side yet to look back and call my fears irrational.

I have always been one that is more afraid of the unknown than ready to embrace it.  My husband loves and thrives on change; I feel like I survive it.  In order to compensate for my fear of change, I have learned to just roll with the punches, which includes not getting fully invested in things, people, or places because of the ultimate reality that they will change.  I can deal with change so much easier when I'm not emotionally attached to what's changing.

Well, you might ask, how is that working out for you?  Honestly, not well.  I know that I have missed out on many joys in life because I have been guarding myself against the inevitable hurts.  I know this is how I approach change, but knowledge doesn't always lead to transformation.  I don't want to be like this, but it is so much a part of my DNA now that I don't know the steps to take to fix it.  This is the primary reason why I am apprehensive about this next big change in my life.  Because I DO NOT want to just go with the flow and let life happen to me,  I want to embrace it and embrace it with my whole being.  I want to be physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually ready for this journey.  I want to be all in.  I know that I am being a little vulnerable in sharing this with you, but it is part of me learning to let my guard down and let people in.  I hope that by taking little steps each day, I will transform my approach to change and I will learn to embrace it, because you know, you are not the one in control of your life anyway.  My grandmother in my 16th birthday letter told me that her and my grandfather had picked out a life verse for me and it was, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."  Proverbs 3: 5-6.  How fitting that my grandmother would know the exact verse I needed to live out daily.

So, here's to embracing change, and..............MOTHERHOOD

A Temporary Escape or a Permanent Vacation?

We all need to take a little time for ourselves every once in awhile, to sit back and relax and to recover our sanity.  It's nice to escape from the busy monotony of what can become our lives.  I LOVE taking a time out and escaping into the pages of a good book or onto the screens of my favorite TV shows, but I have recently been confronted with the realization that what started as much needed breaks in the midst of my busy weeks has turned into a longer, more permanent vacation.  I realized that I spend more time escaping my life then actually living it.  Wow!  That kind of hurts to put into words.  Without recognizing it, my priorities slowly shifted from being a devoted Christian, a good wife, and a dedicated student, to making sure that I was caught up with all my TV shows, all in the name of "I need a break."

Yes, we all need a break sometimes, but at what cost?  I began to realize that I didn't deserve all the breaks I was allowing myself.  My life started to become cluttered and unorganized because I wasn't taking care of my responsibilities.  School work began to get finished at the last minute, most of the time late at night, compromising my time to spend with my husband.  Watching last night's TV shows became more important then delving into the word of God.  No wonder my life is starting to feel a little out of whack.   We all can drift into the trap of escaping our realities, and it can happen so easily.  I am hoping that by putting this confession into words, it will help to hold me accountable.  The last couple days I have been thinking of what it will be like when Baby Hawk gets here, and I know that I don't want my days to so full of the trivial to where I miss out on what's really important, the daily miracles of God.  The next time I give myself a break, I want it to be because I've earned it and not because I think I deserve it.

Top 11 of 2011

2011 was a big year for the Hawks, full of excitement and lots of newness.  2011 was such a great year, I can't wait to see what 2012 brings!  Here is my top 11 list from last year (in no particular order):

1.  Moving to sunny Tampa, FL
2.  Josh joining the team at Grace Family Church as the High School student pastor

3.  Transferring to Stetson College of Law (and still on track to graduate May 2012!)

4.  My sister, Lauren, graduating from Samford University and getting married to Brett on Sept. 3

5.  My sister, Rachel, completing her master's degree from the University of South Carolina and being hired there as an assistant athletic trainer.

6.  Buying our 2nd home in October

7.  Hosting Christmas for the 1st year (and yes I cooked!)
8. Trips to Busch Gardens, Tampa Bay Lightning games, Rays games, and a Buccaneers game.

9.  Visits from family and friends in January, March, May, June, and December!

10.  Trips to Savannah, KY, Iowa, TN, GA, and Fort Lauderdale (for our 5th anniversary).

11.  Experiencing God's love, mercy, and blessings in wonderful new ways in 2011!

Hope Does Not Disappoint

For Christmas, my mother-in-law gave me the One Year Women's Devotional and the very first devotional, which I read the day after Christmas,  was entitled, "Hope Does Not Disappoint."  I thought the topic was very fitting following the Christmas season.  Around the holidays, we seem to build up our expectations- expectations of what gifts we will receive; expectations of the reactions to the gifts we give; expectations of making great family memories; and the ultimate expectation, that this year will be the best year yet.  Yet it seems that every year, in one way or another, our expectations fall short.  We are left disappointed by something that happened, something someone said, something that was left undone, or that this year was just like every year before.  We are left wanting more.

Every year, I too put a lot of expectations on the holiday season.  I want everything to be perfect, everybody to get along, and for life-long memories to be made along the way.  And it seems that every year, as I look back, I think of something that went wrong, an expectation that was left unfulfilled.  My reaction, like many of yours, to these disappointments is to not have expectations for then there is no chance of disappointments.  But that too leaves me wanting more.

This is not a blog instructing you on how to manage your expectations or how never to be disappointed around the holiday season.  It is to remind you, as my devotion reminded me, that there is an expectation that will never be left unfulfilled, a hope that will never disappoint.  It is a reminder that as humans we disappoint, we let each other down, and therefore, all expectations we put in people will fall short.  That is not to say that we shouldn't have expectations of people or that we shouldn't hope for things to happen, but isn't it good to know that there is One who will never fail or disappoint, who can handle all our expectations?  The devotion reminded me that even though I might have disappointments in life and things I wish had gone differently, there is a hope that never disappoints.

Therefore since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.  And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
                                                      Romans 5:1-5

House Pic of the Day

Here's a picture of our new and improved yard.  It's not completely finished but at least you can see the house now!

I Heart Fall

Fall is my absolute favorite season of the year.  I love everything about it- the leaves, the cooler temperatures, football, everything pumpkin, the scents, and the list could go on and on.  So, you can probably guess that I am struggling to adjust to fall in Florida, which is just a slightly cooler extension of summer.

This is my idea of a perfect fall...

Needless to say that is not my current experience of fall.  But I do love almost everything else about living in Florida, so I am trying not to complain too much about it and make the most of it.  So, one of the first boxes that I opened at the new house was the one with my fall decorations in it.  If it can't look like fall outside, then I am going to do my darnedest to make it feel, smell, taste, and look like fall inside.

There you go- Fall in Florida :)