Day 1: Getting Where You Want to Be

I am going to attempt to blog for the next 30 days, whatever is on my mind-- long or short, simple or profound.

For the past few days, I've been thinking a lot about where I want to be in life.  I think there was a time when I used to dream and have goals, but I can hardly remember the time when the world was at my fingertips.  We just got back from CLASH camp with over 600 middle schoolers and high schoolers, who are all on fire to change the world for Christ.  While it was so exciting to see them worship and pray in unison, I couldn't help but wonder why, we as adults, don't have the same fervor and same expectation for God to use us to change the world.  The speaker made a statement that was meant to pump up the kids, but only depressed me.  He said, "I love speaking to students because I don't really know who I'm talking to.  There could be doctors, lawyers, or the President of the United States in this room.  When I speak to adults, I pretty much know who I'm getting."  It's unfortunate, that as adults, we no longer feel like we can be or do anything.  And that's what spurred me on to think about where I want to be in life, to think about those big goals and dream big dreams.  I'm good at the daily to-do lists, and I can plan with the best of them.  The problem for me is execution and staying faithful to the task when it seems impossible.  I think that's why it's so hard for me to plan and set goals for the future because all I can see are the obstacles in my way.  I think that just because I can't achieve the simplest daily goals like getting all of the laundry done in one day, that there is no way that I can come anywhere close to the big ones.  But then that's where I am reminded that I don't do it on my own, that God has set those dreams in my heart and given me a purpose, and through His power working in me, I can see those dreams become a reality.  So when it feels impossible, I can shift my focus from all of the obstacles and put it on Jesus and be faithful to keep walking.

It's My Life

"I have brains in my head, and feet in my shoes. I can steer any direction I choose." ~ Dr. Seuss

I feel that I used to embody these words of the oh-so-wise Dr. Seuss, but as time has dragged on and life's circumstances have changed, the mundane and trivial things have smothered the hope and the wonder.  That is not to say that I am holed up somewhere in a depressed state lacking purpose or direction.  But I don't dream big, not like I used to.  I remember when my goals included being a Lady Vol basketball player and the first woman president. Ok, those dreams were decades ago and somewhat unattainable, but that's not the point.  Right, at this moment, I can't even formulate a dream.  I mean I have goals and things I'd like to accomplish, but most of them are things I'd like to do next week like the laundry and finishing a small home project. Talk about dreaming big.

The other day, I thought to myself, "I love my life," and then in the next breath thought, "but do I live my life?"  You know, to the fullest, like every day could be your last kind of living.  I always thought that was so cliche and that life was supposed to be a bunch of mundane existence, sprinkled in with a little celebration and a few dreams here and there.  But then I look around me and I see people enjoying their lives, like really enjoying their lives, like everyday. And then it hit me- IT'S MY LIFE!  I can decide how to live it.  I don't have to fit some mold or just live in the day-to-day trivialness because that's what I thought life looked like.  Life can look like whatever I want it to because IT'S MY LIFE.  I don't mean to sound selfish or that I will automatically disregard my responsibilities or that sometimes life isn't made up of mundane tasks or hard and unpleasant things.

For me, it's about a mindset shift.  It's about choosing joy and hope and dreams, even in the midst of the trivial and the painful.  It's about dreaming again, even if it's unattainable.  It's about looking for the silver lining and focusing on the positive. It's about celebrating. It's about living instead of just getting by. Ultimately, it's about realizing that I have the choice because IT'S MY LIFE!

2013 Goal Update

We're over two months into 2013! What!  It's so crazy that St. Patrick's Day and Easter are just right around the corner.  So, I thought I would check in and update my goals, in an attempt to hold me accountable.


Personal
1. Read 1 novel and 1 non-fiction book a month
     * January- The Mission of Motherhood, The Litigators
     * February- I started books in February, so I'm going to count those when I finish them :)
2. Capture the moments- journal/ take and organize pictures
     * I put the first of Landry's pictures into an album
     * I did start a journal, which consists of sermon notes, prayer journaling, random journaling.  It's by
        no means an everyday thing, but it's a start.
3. Learn to do something new
     * I did buy 2 hanging plants, so that could be the start of learning to garden, right?
4. Go somewhere new
5. Go to coffee/lunch with someone new each month
     * January- met a friend at Panera
     * February- met a different friend at Panera
     * March- go somewhere other than Panera :)

Career
1. Get a part-time job or internship
2. Join a local bar (code for legal networking club)
3. Pay dues to FL Bar
4. Get some CLE credit
5. Volunteer/work with human trafficking organization
    * Am meeting with a new friend whose organization No More helps support organizations fighting
       human trafficking and other issues to see how I can get involved

Physical
1. Run a 1/2 marathon
     * Josh and I ran the Gasparilla half-marathon on February 24.  I ran a 2:06, which beat my previous
        time by almost 15 minutes! And I didn't have to walk until 10 1/2 miles.
2. Develop a healthy eating lifestyle
3. Get back to pre-baby weight
     * So close- about 2-3 lbs. away
4. Run a mile in under 8 minutes
     *  Josh challenged me to do a speed workout, where I had to run back to back fast miles and both
        were under 8 minutes! My fastest time was 7:17
5. Join an exercise class

Spiritual
1. Establish a daily quiet time/prayer time
    * It's not exactly daily yet, but I do get to it more days than not.  I'm having to be content with the
       fact that it is not at the same time everyday, but I have a 6 month old so give me a break.
2. Do a Beth Moore bible study
    * It's not Beth Moore, but I'm getting ready to lead a bible study for college-aged girls by Kelly
       Minter called, Nehemiah.
3. Read through the Old Testament
    * I've read Joel, Proverbs, and Ezra.
4. Find a mentor and be a mentor
5. Embrace and live in the promises of God
    * Continually working on this one!

Homemaking
1. Put hardwood in dining room
2. Finish painting
3. Put backsplash in kitchen
4. Improve on cooking :)
    * I AM cooking, sometimes :)
5. Organize! (garage/closets/office/laundry room)

TRUST

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3: 5-6

I included this verse in my last post, so you know what has been a reoccurring theme in my life over the past few months.  Time after time when I have wanted to get overwhelmed and just throw in the towel or compare my life to somebody else's or wish for a magic genie that would grant me my three wishes, God has whispered, TRUST.  For a Type A, semi-control freak like me, that is anything but easy, and I know that is exactly why God has asked this of me.  He is building my character. (Rom 5:4, James 1:2-4).  Ugh!  I don't want character and perseverance.  Well, I do.  I just don't want what it takes to get there!

It seems that over this last month, a bunch of little things have been thrown our way and leave us scratching our heads trying to come up with a plan, and God is saying TRUST.  Most of the obstacles we have encountered have to do with the lack of finances, which for me is just about the most aggravating thing ever.  We thought that the answer to the problems was for me to get a job, and I almost did (see last post), but it wasn't, and God was saying TRUST.  Then, when we decided that I would continue to stay at home and wait for a job that was right for us- part-time, flexible, and something I would be passionate about, we got slammed with unexpected bills, causing us to question the job situation again.  And God was saying TRUST.  Just today, Josh's car blew out a tire, and I once again began searching for jobs, and God is saying TRUST.

Part of me is relieved that it's not up to me to fix our situation and come up with the right plan and that I can just hand over all the worry and fears to a holy God that is more than capable of handling the situation.  But the other part of me is constantly thinking and analyzing and knows that if I just think hard enough, I will find the answer.

TRUST = lean not on your own understanding.

So, I'm working on that...

Freedom in Decision

I am currently listening to an online conference for pastors' wives and women in ministry and a lot of what they have been talking about prompted this blog.  I have found when I have a lot of anxious thoughts swimming around in my head, it is so helpful for me to write it down.  Putting my thoughts to words takes the fear out of them.  It helps me to think rationally, and so that's what I'm hoping to do here now.

The topic of the conference is FREEDOM and the sessions have included living in freedom, freedom in expectations, freedom in parenting, etc.  I titled this post, "Freedom in Decision" not because I have figured out the key to having freedom in decision-making but because I need it desperately right now. I am, by far, the most indecisive person I know.  I hate making decisions, I hate having choices.  Well, let me clarify, I usually know what I do NOT want, but I would be hard-pressed to tell you what I do want.  I am the person that would like to have a detailed blueprint for my life or a guide always pointing the way.

Right now, I am at a crossroads in my life, and it feels very overwhelming and like I'm stuck staring at the sign, trying to figure out which way to go.  The stress of making this decision has seeped into every other area of my life, and my whole day revolves around repeatedly making a pros and cons list in my head or trying to think of every little detail, not wanting to leave any stone unturned.  I want to have all the facts and have thought of all the logistics before making the decision.  The decision lying in front of me is whether or not I am going to go to work full-time.  The question is not whether I want to work or not, I do.  And I still do after having had Landry 5 months ago, but I want to work part-time.  I feel that working part-time would give me the perfect balance in my life, but of course, that is not the option I have.

I'm finding it kind of frustrating that this perfect job opportunity would fall into my lap at the same time I finished reading, "The Mission of Motherhood," which is an excellent book on motherhood in which a mother outlines how she has created a Christ-centered home for her children.  And not that I can't work and be the kind of mother I aspire to be, but it seems that there will have to be sacrifices somewhere down the line, and I want it all.  That brings me to today's online conference.  As I was listening to these women talk about finding freedom in your life, I realized that I would never have freedom in my decisions until I submitted them to God.  While I absolutely have done that with this life-altering decision, I have also taken the decision-making back into my hands time after time.

Some of the words of one of the speakers really hit home.  Although she was talking about freedom in parenting, it also applies here.  She was talking about how one of the parenting mistakes we might make is in parenting out of fear by always saying everything we don't want our kids to be or think. She went on to say that we should instead parent out of vision and think of what we do want for our kids.  I translated that lesson to this choice and thought that I have definitely been approaching this decision out of fear of what I don't want my life and my family's life to be like, and I have been allowing those fears to shape my decision-making.  Instead I should be focused on God's vision for my life and what lines up with that.

The other take away from today was a verse that I have heard over a million times and have had memorized since I was a child, but today as I mulled over the verse, I allowed the words to really penetrate my heart. "TRUST in God with all your heart and LEAN NOT on your own understanding and in all your ways ACKNOWLEDGE him and he will make your paths straight."  Out beside the verse, I wrote the 3 things God requires us to do in order for him to direct our way: 1) Trust, 2) Lean not on myself, and 3) Acknowledge him in everything I do.  It seems so simple when I outline it like that.  I have been working so hard on complicating this decision that I haven't allowed God to do his part.  The ultimate key to having freedom in our decisions in placing our WHOLE trust in God.

2013 Goals

I haven't made any written goal lists in quite a few years.  I like the idea of setting goals, though, because it moves us forward.  I say "goals" instead of "resolutions" because to me, resoultions are often unattainable and unrealistic and goals indicate what you are striving toward and not necessarily what you will accomplish (so the pressure is off).  So here is my list of 2013 goals so I can remember them and so that you can hold me accountable!

Personal
1. Read 1 novel and 1 non-fiction book a month
2. Capture the moments- journal/ take and organize pictures
3.  Learn to do something new
4. Go somewhere new
5. Go to coffee/lunch with someone new each month

Career
1. Get a part-time job or internship
2. Join a local bar (code for legal networking club)
3. Pay dues to FL Bar
4. Get some CLE credit
5. Volunteer/work with human trafficking organization

Physical
1. Run a 1/2 marathon
2. Develop a healthy eating lifestyled
3. Get back to pre-baby weight
4. Run a mile in under 8 minutes
5. Join an exercise class

Spiritual
1. Establish a daily quiet time/prayer time
2. Do a Beth Moore bible study
3. Read through the Old Testament
4. Find a mentor and be a mentor
5. Embrace and live in the promises of God

Homemaking
1. Put hardwood in dining room
2. Finish painting
3. Put backsplash in kitchen
4. Improve on cooking :)
5. Organize! (garage/closets/office/laundry room)

Beyond Sacrifice

                       

Today is my dad's 61st birthday, and last weekend, he received an early birthday present- A Mini Cooper!

When my mom sent me the picture of Dad sitting in his new car in the church parking lot, I almost didn't believe it.  I cannot remember my dad ever driving a nice car.  My mom always drove the newer and nicer cars, and Dad always drove the clunkers (literally).  When I was born, he had a bright yellow Nissan truck.  I always thought it was ugly, but looking back at it now, it was probably the oldest and ugliest car in his work parking lot.  That never seemed to bother him.  After he had to get rid of the truck, he has driven numerous older cars, including Mom's old wood paneled van, a couple of Saturns and a green and purple Suzuki.  Even his 3 teenage daughters drove nicer cars!

So when I saw the picture of Dad in his dream car, I was ecstatic for him. What an appropriate birthday gift for a man who has lived a life of sacrifice.  I began thinking of all the things that my dad has sacrificed for his family and all the times his sacrifices have gone unrewarded.  For me, the ultimate sacrifice my father made for me was changing jobs to work at a local college so that I could receive full tuition at a sister college.  I think about how hard it must have been for him to give up a job he enjoyed so I could go to the college of my choice.

While Dad loves his new car, and I'm so glad that after the years of waiting, he can drive something he enjoys, I know without a doubt, he would continue to drive clunkers if his family needed him too.  A new car isn't a big enough reward for all the years of sacrificial living, but I know that my Dad's ultimate reward will come in heaven when the Father looks at him and says, "Well done my faithful servant."  My dad's life is a constant example of the type of life God calls us to- a life that puts others before ourselves, a life that sacrifices no matter the cost.  It spurs me on to continue to live sacrificially even in the absence of recognition or reward because I know that the ultimate reward for a life of sacrifice is not found here on this earth.

So, Happy Birthday, Dad!  Thank you for your living example of sacrifice, and enjoy your new car.  You more than deserve it.